Single in midlife

However you got here

Some women are single in midlife by choice. Some by divorce. Some by widowhood. Some have never married. Some are between relationships and not sure what comes next. Some are in a chapter of being on their own that they didn’t plan but have come to value.

All of those are this page.

The things that are easier

Let’s name them first. There are real upsides, and it is allowed to enjoy them.

• Nobody is reading your hot flushes as a personal rejection.
• You can have separate duvets without anybody’s feelings being hurt. You can have the whole bed.
• You don’t have to perform desire you don’t feel.
• Your home runs on your rhythms. Eat when you eat. Sleep when you sleep. Go to bed at 8.30pm because you need to.
• Your bandwidth is yours. Whatever you have left after work and family doesn’t have to be allocated to a marriage.
• You get to decide what your sexuality means now. You aren’t locked into a version negotiated twenty years ago.

The things that are harder

• The 3am wake-up with nobody else awake in the house.
• Being the only person at the GP appointment, holding the questions you didn’t ask.
• Going through the worst of perimenopause without somebody who watches it daily and knows.
• Friends who have partners not quite understanding the size of the absence.
• Being invited as the “plus none” to things that are paired up.
• The body that is changing without anyone touching it kindly.
• The medical system that defaults to assuming you have a partner, and the small awkward moments when you don’t.

Touch hunger, the thing nobody warns single women about

Touch hunger is a real thing. The body needs touch in the way it needs food. Without it, you can become quietly depressed, anxious, low-energy, in a way that is hard to trace because nobody talks about it.

If you are single and not having sex and not being hugged often, your body is in a state of touch deprivation, and it is allowed to be a problem. It is not weakness. It is biology.

Touch hunger is real. A body that hasn’t been held kindly in a while is not the same body it was last year. This is not weakness. It is biology.

Small things that can help

• Hug your friends, properly. Not the awkward shoulder pat. The real one. Five seconds at least.
• A weighted blanket. Genuinely helps the nervous system.
• Massage, if you can stretch to it. Not necessarily often. Once a month or even once a quarter resets something.
• A pet. Not for everyone, but if you have always loved them, this might be the season.
• Dance classes, choirs, any group thing with physical proximity. Salsa, Pilates, swing dance, choirs. Being in a room with other bodies, even without touch, helps.
• Cold pools and warm baths. Sensory contact for the body that isn’t coming from another person.
• Your own touch. Body lotion, slowly applied. A hand on your own chest when you are anxious. Tender to yourself counts.

Dating again, if you want to

Some women in midlife want to date. Some absolutely don’t. Both are valid. There is no rule.

If you do, a few things that are worth knowing:

• Apps are demoralising for almost everyone. Take long breaks. Don’t internalise the silence.
• Your value has not gone down. The pool has different fish in it than it did at 25.
• Be specific about what you want. Vague honesty about what you are looking for filters out a lot of wasted evenings.
• The first naked-with-a-new-person moment in midlife is a different thing. Most people you might date are nervous about their own ageing bodies too.
• Lubricant. Always. Carry it. There is no shame in it.
• STI testing matters. Sexual health doesn’t stop being relevant. Free clinics exist. Use them.
• Don’t marry the first person who is kind to you. Take your time.

Dating again, if you don’t want to

Equally valid. The cultural assumption is that you should be looking. You do not have to be.

Many women find midlife on their own to be the happiest chapter of their life. Not because partnership was bad, but because there is a particular contentment available to women who are no longer asking themselves what someone else needs at every turn.

If people ask, you can say: “Not looking, thanks. I’m really happy.” You don’t owe anyone more than that.

“Not looking, thanks. I’m really happy.” That is a complete sentence. You do not owe anyone more.

The medical bit

Single women are sometimes treated differently in midlife medicine. The GP who skips the contraception conversation. The hospital form that has nowhere to put a single woman past 50. The HRT consultation that assumes you have a partner to discuss it with.

Be specific with your healthcare. Single doesn’t mean lower priority. It means you are the only person advocating for yourself, which means you may need to advocate harder.

Bring a friend to important appointments. Have someone you can talk to afterwards. Don’t do the diagnosis alone if you don’t have to.

Widowhood, specifically

For widows: midlife grief and midlife menopause arriving together is its own particular weather. The losses overlap. The exhaustion compounds. Your hormones drop in the same year your support system disappears.

Please read Grief and loss alongside this page. Both apply.

WAY (Widowed and Young) is for anyone widowed under 51, and gentle. Cruse Bereavement Support, 0808 808 1677 for any age.

And, last

Being single in midlife is not a temporary state to be fixed. It is a way of being. It can be the loneliest stretch of your life, and it can be the most freeing. Sometimes in the same week.

Whatever you are, you are not less than the women on the home pages of the menopause leaflets. You are here. You count. This site is written for you.