Communication tips

Listen first. Always.

Don’t fix. Don’t compare. Don’t suggest a smoothie. Don’t mention HRT in the middle of an argument. Don’t bring up your colleague’s wife who “was fine.”

“That sounds really hard” goes further than every solution in a self-help book.

Most of the time, she doesn’t want you to do anything. She wants you in the room with her, while she does it. Be in the room.

Things that almost always help

• “I can see you’re having a rough one. What would help?”
• “Do you want me to listen, or do you want me to help?”
• “I’ll handle dinner. Go and sit down.”
• “I love you. None of this is a problem.”
• “You don’t have to explain.”
• “I’m sorry I snapped, I love you.” (Said by you. Without expecting one back immediately.)
• Just being there. Not on the phone. Actually there.
• A cup of tea, made without being asked, with the right milk and no comment.
• Bringing her a glass of water when she comes upstairs.
• Asking how she’s sleeping. Genuinely. Not as a critique.

Things that rarely land well

• “Have you tried…”
• “It’s probably just stress.”
• “My mother went through this and she was fine.”
• “You used to…”
• “Maybe you should see someone.” (Even if true. The framing is wrong.)
• “Calm down.” (Famously never works on anyone, ever.)
• “Is it your hormones?” (Even if it is. Especially if it is.)
• Silence, of the kind where she can feel you not wanting to engage.
• Going on your phone in the middle of a conversation she is trying to have.
• Disappearing to the gym, the pub, the office for the night, when she is having a hard one.

The conversations that are actually worth having

Some specific ones. They are awkward the first time. They get easier.

• “When you say you miss intimacy, what do you actually mean?” Often the answer surprises both of you. See The whole intimacy thing.
• “What does support look like for you, this week?” The answer changes week to week. Asking is a small kindness.
• “Is there something you wish I’d notice that I haven’t?” Sometimes she will say no. Sometimes she will say one specific thing that changes everything.
• “Are we okay?” Asked gently, in a calm hour. Not after a row. Not in bed.
• “How can I be useful at the GP appointment next week?” Offer to come. Don’t insist. Let her decide.

When tempers get short

Hers will, sometimes. So might yours. Walking away mid-row, on purpose, to come back in 20 minutes, is not avoidance. It is being a grown-up. “I want to keep talking but I need 20 minutes” is a sentence worth memorising.

Coming back is the important part. If you walk out, come back. If she does, let her come back without making her work for it. Don’t score-keep apologies. You are on the same team.

“I want to keep talking but I need 20 minutes.” Best sentence in any marriage. Memorise it. Use it. Come back.

Saying sorry, properly

When you snap, apologise. Specifically. “I’m sorry I was sharp earlier. I was tired and you didn’t deserve it.” Not “sorry but,” not “sorry if,” not “sorry, but you…”

Don’t demand an apology back immediately. She may need time. The apology that lands is the one that doesn’t come with conditions.

Model the apology you would like to receive.

Compliments that don’t fall flat

“You look nice” on its own can land hollow when she is feeling unlike herself. More specific tends to land better.

“I love watching you with the grandchildren.”

“You looked really good in that meeting last week. I’m proud of you.”

“Your hair smells good.” Said in passing, not strategically.

“You are still so funny.”

“I love coming home to you.”

“I’m glad I married you.” (If you did. Otherwise: “I’m glad it’s you.”)

None of these are about sex. All of them tell her she is still seen as the person, not the symptom.

When you don’t know what to say

“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.” That is enough. That has always been enough.

Sit next to her. Don’t fill the silence. Let her cry, or be angry, or be quiet, or be all three within ten minutes. Your presence is the message.

When she pushes you away, even though she shouldn’t

Sometimes she will be unkind. Sometimes she will say something she doesn’t mean. Sometimes she will ask you to leave a room you live in.

Most of the time, this is not a referendum on the marriage. It is a person in chemical chaos asking for space she doesn’t quite know how to ask for.

Take the space. Come back in an hour. Don’t make a big deal of either thing.

If it’s every day, every week, with no softer hours in between, that is something to address gently when the calm hour comes. Not in the heat of it.

The single most useful thing

Keep showing up. Imperfectly. Tiredly. Sometimes badly. The relationship that survives this is the one where both people kept coming back to the conversation, even when the conversation was hard.

She will remember. You will remember. The middle years are where marriages either become richer or quietly hollow out. The difference is almost always whether you both kept showing up.

The marriage that survives this is the one where both people kept coming back to the conversation. Even when the conversation was hard. Especially then.