Talking to your employer

Why this conversation is so hard

Because you have built a professional self, over decades, and that self does not, in your head, include anything about your body, your hormones, your sleep, your symptoms.

Because you don’t want to be the woman in the office who is “going through it.”

Because the people you would be telling might be male, or younger, or both, and you cannot imagine the words landing well.

Because you have, until now, been the calm and competent one. The person other people came to. Not the person asking for adjustments.

All of that is real. None of it is a reason not to have the conversation. It is, however, a reason to plan it properly.

You are not asking for special treatment. You are asking for what would have been built in if the workplace had been designed by people who knew menopause existed.

Start with what you need, not what you have

Lead with the adjustment, not the diagnosis. “I’d like to talk about some adjustments to my working pattern” is enough. You don’t have to say the word menopause unless you want to.

If you do want to use the word, that is your right. Many women find it actually goes better when they name it. The phrase often used by managers afterwards is “Thank you for telling me, I didn’t realise that’s what was going on, of course we can adjust X.”

Some managers, sadly, won’t respond well. You don’t owe them your medical history to get reasonable treatment.

Ask for a private meeting, with notice

A doorway conversation is the wrong format. Ask, in writing, for 30 minutes in private, with an agenda. Bring a list. Bring water. You are allowed to take notes.

Concrete asks land better than abstract ones

• “I’d like to start at 9.30 on Mondays so I’m not in for the morning rush after a bad night.”
• “I’d like to work from home on Wednesdays, where possible.”
• “I’d like a desk near a window or a fan.”
• “I’d like to take a short break every couple of hours when I’m in the office.”
• “I’d like to discuss whether some of my deadlines could be moved or staggered differently.”
• “I’d like menopause-related absence to be treated as health-related, not performance-related.”

If the words won’t come, write them down

Use the Letter Generator. Pick the tone that sounds like you (warm, clear, formal, gentle). You don’t have to send it. Some women write it for themselves, just to see the words on a page first.

What you might be afraid of, and what tends to actually happen

• You are afraid they will think less of you. Most managers, even imperfect ones, respect a member of staff who knows what they need and asks clearly.
• You are afraid it will go on your record. Reasonable adjustment conversations are not performance issues. They don’t go on the same record.
• You are afraid you will cry. You might. Bring tissues. Don’t apologise. It is not a failure to be a human in a conversation about your own body.
• You are afraid they’ll say no. Sometimes they will. Most of the time, the first answer is not the final answer.

If they push back

Ask for the reason in writing.

Ask what would be reasonable instead.

Don’t escalate immediately, but do document everything.

ACAS, 0300 123 1100 is free and they are kind.

Your union is for this.

If you can’t face the conversation right now

You don’t have to do it this week. You don’t have to do it at all if the timing is wrong. The right to ask for adjustments will still be there in three months.

Some women find it easier to write to HR first, before they speak to their direct manager. Some find it easier to do the opposite. Some go to occupational health if their workplace has one. There is no right order.

What to do after

Whatever was agreed, get it in writing. An email summarising the conversation. “Just to confirm, we agreed I will start at 9.30 on Mondays from next month.” This protects both of you.

Review it after three months. If something isn’t working, ask for it to be changed.

Tell one safe colleague, if you have one. Not for gossip. So that there is one person at work who knows what is going on, on a hard morning.

Get it in writing. The agreement that lives in someone’s memory is easier to lose than the one that lives in an email.